10 signs you’re probably dating an asshole…

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1. “Are you going to wear something sexy on our date.”

Um, excuse me? This has happened to me several times. At first it’s sort of hilarious. Seriously, what does he expect? A trench coat, fishnet thigh-highs and that’s it? Oh wait a fucking minute,  that is EXACTLY what he expects!
Look, as a female (actually just as a human person who cares about first impressions) I understand that looking good on a date really helps the situation. But when a guy starts dictating outfits…I don’t know. I feel like nice guys don’t expect you to bend over backwards and portray some kind of sexy, vampy tramp. I do get the whole sexy thing though. It works. But I’m just not going to let some dude dictate to me the level of vampiness I want to show.

2. “You should get those pore strips things for your nose…”

What the fuck! What the actual fuck! You should shut the fuck up and stop looking at my nose! Urgh. This has actually happened to me. God.

3. “You’re in a bad mood…you’re on the rag…right?”

Dude…no….just no. Don’t even go there. Why is the immediate reaction to a girl being in a bad mood about their menstrual cycle. Why!? I really cannot stress this enough. There are other extraneous factors such as hmmmm, I don’t know, guys saying something dickish? PMS or not, just don’t say that. I don’t mean to sound like I’m a PMS denier but you know, it’s hard enough as it is without you commenting that I’ve already eaten 3 chocolate bars.

4. “I bet you have lots of hot single friends right.” *INSERT CREEPY LOOK*

Actually, I fuckin’ don’t. They’re all taken. I’m the only one left because the nice guys are all coupled up and the only males left are retarded fuckwits like you. So yeah, I’m gonna die alone with 50 cats and a menagerie of parrots.

5. “We should have a threesome. I want another girl in the mix.”
asdhysfdhuvsdfzjhvasdkjbvsdhjkbvszdbvzsbdlivhzsdfiuh!!!!!!!

6. “I don’t answer to anyone. I do what I want.”

This is sort of a scary one. If a guy says this to you, he is probably a giant douche. And it’s not really about the words that he says, it’s what’s behind it. I get it. You’re a grown-ass man. You shouldn’t have to answer to anyone. But guys who say this with such arrogance and disdain scares the shit out of me. It makes me think that they have no regard for other people or at the very least, empathy. Yeah, stay away from dudes who use those words as some kind of excuse to be pricks.

7.  “Stop talking…” or “I asked you a question so answer”

When guys tell me to stop talking, or people in general, it’s like being slapped in the face. I will talk if I want to because Beyonce says I can, ok! Also, seeing that I’m an adult, I reserve the right not to speak if I don’t want to. Again, Beyonce will not condone this so why the fuck should I.

8. “Are you retarded? Are you actually retarded?”

This has happened to me. Yup. It’s like I’m a magnet for dickheads or something. Granted I was acting retarded. I was driving and he told me to go left but I wasn’t thinking and turned right. However, no. You have no right to call me retarded. Only the people who know me very well and love me for all my retarded-ness and inability to distinguish between left and right can call me that word.

9. He pats your stomach and says “mmmmm…jiggly”

I don’t really have to explain this one do I?

10. “I’m an asshole, I know. I can’t help it.”

Yeah you can, buddy! It’s easy. Just restrain yourself from saying anything awful and you will be fine! Kind of like how I’m restraining myself from kicking your ass right now. This is my ultimate pet peeve when it comes to some people. Saying out loud to the world that you’re an asshole does not give you the right to be one. Nor does it give you immunity from being called up on it. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t say and then BE! It’s not like I can say “Oh, I’m a fucking magical Unicorn, I know. I can’t help that I’m so magical and mythical. I’m going to totally act really magical now and you can’t do anything about it because I’m a motherfucking Unicorn.”

All joking aside, dating an asshole is pretty horrible. Especially if you’ve developed feelings for that asshole despite the fact that, well, they’re an asshole. I guess if that asshole also has a nice side, albeit hidden way deep down, it’s easy to disregard the douchey things he says because you think, “maybe I can bring the good out in him…” Also if he plays the guitar…and the drums…and the bass..and can sing…dammit… musicians…they will ruin your life…mmmm guys with acoustic guitars singing you Foo Fighters songs…damn…oh yeah, that’s right! Assholes!

Annoyingly, bad boys and arrogant types seem to attract great women who fall right into the trap. It’s a disappointing reality but it’s the whole idea of “I can change him” mentality. You know what I’ve realised, you can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change. And if your particular douchebag is happy to revel in his douchey ways, ain’t nothin’ you can do to make him better.

In the end, you just have to walk away, head held high, and focus on the awesomeness that you are. You will move on to better and bigger things and thank your lucky stars that you dodged a crazy bullet…who tells you to use pore strips! God dammit! Who the fuck says that!?

Till next time!

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