The 10 Guys That Will Infiltrate Your Life According to Liz Lemon, Leslie Knope and Mindy Lahiri

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I find that every time I’m in a “boy funk”, I always turn to my gal-pals for advice. There’s usually some form of dessert involved, a lot of tough love and Beyonce quotes. It’s very cliche, but never underestimate what a good, loving, but firm “kick-up-the-bum” can do for your self esteem. When nothing else makes sense and you find yourself listening to a lot of Taylor Swift, you need a good friend to slap you a couple of times and tell you to suck it up. It usually takes a while to sink in, but you’ll get there.

Apart from my real friends, I also turn to my imaginary TV friends. In the end, I feel more empowered watching ladies like Liz Lemon, Leslie Knope and Mindy Lahiri go through the same drama that real women go through. Granted that it’s under unrealistic and exaggerated settings…but the truth still remains. Most guys do suck and it’s your job as a self-sufficient woman to recognise this and gallop away into the sun set like the magical unicorn that you are.

So in no particular order, here are the types of guys that will infiltrate your life according to Liz Lemon, Leslie Knope and Mindy Lahiri.

1. The guy in love with someone else but doesn’t know it yet

(e.g. Jamie – The Mindy Project)

Sadly, this guy is hung up on an ex or a friend of some sort. Unfortunately, you will be the catalyst for that realisation…

Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros:

– Cute. Really cute
– Keen and seems open to a relationship
– Financially secure and knows what he wants in life

Cons:

– Talks about his best friend all the time
– Like, ALL THE TIME!
– Every life experience that he’s had was shared with said best friend and he will constantly remind you of this
– Holds friend on a pedestal where she becomes the basis of comparison for all other females who will enter his life

Margie’s tip: Walk away and be thankful you didn’t linger to witness a scene from a Rom-Com unfold right before your eyes. “You’ve always been the one! I see it it now! I love you!” Puh-leeeeease!

2. The guy who gets a “life-discount” because he is incredibly good looking…but is ultimately an idiot

(e.g. Drew Baird – 30 Rock)

Awesome guy. Seriously, really cool but stupid. It’s like, how did you get this far in life? Oh I know, it’s because of your bone structure and beautiful eyes…

Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros:

– So handsome. SOOOOO HANDSOME!
– Smells nice
– Pretty outgoing and spontaneous
– Charming

Cons:

– He is an idiot. Lovely. But an idiot

Margie’s tip: It’s not going to work out. You will be in constant fear every time he cooks you a meal that he accidentally used bleach when making vinaigrette for a salad.

3. The neurotic, emotional mess

(e.g. Carol Burnett – 30 Rock)

In the beginning, you will think this guy is just really quirky and emotionally available because he’s super open about his feelings. But then the water works begin…

Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros:

– Sensitive
– Great listener and advice giver
– Knows who Nora Ephron is

Cons:

– Starts crying about his ex
– Tells you he wants to move in with you because he’s needy
– Calls you at 3am in the morning because he had a dream about you and missed you
– Paranoid about his receding hairline so he keeps asking you about it until you fake an emergency and have to go home

Margie’s tip: This is going to be painful. Sure you get along and he seems like he’s really in touch with his emotions, but you don’t want to constantly be reassuring him and telling him his throat tickle is not cancer. And the constant crying doesn’t help either.

4. The Cheater

(e.g. Josh – The Mindy Project)

Suave dude who sweeps you off your feet…pity he’s doing it all over town…

Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros:

– Great looking
– Incredibly confident and self-assured
– Calls the shots without making you feel insecure or useless
– Romantic
– Complete smooth operator

Cons:

– He is hooking up with other girls. Enough said.

Margie’s tip: Walk away. No. Run away! There is no way this is going to end well. Even when he says he’s committed, you will always have that nagging voice in your head wondering where he’s been. Honestly, do you want to be that sad girl, completely enamored but this fox of a guy, deluding yourself into thinking that in the end, he will choose you? Because I’m telling you now, he won’t. Don’t be a moron and wait until there’s actual physical evidence of his infidelity. Be aware of the signs and just shut it down! You’re better off. If a guy was truly into you, he wouldn’t look for it somewhere else because you are enough! Furthermore, if he respected you, he would just straight up end it with you because he knows you don’t deserve his cheating ways. So pull an Aretha, respect yo self and end it first!

5. The guy who is “too-cool-for-school”

(e.g. Branden Deslaurier – The Mindy Project) 

You are soooo into this guy. He’s like a shiny new person in your life who you know is way too good looking for you. But that’s ok, because you know you’re smarter…

Margie’s encounter with this bloke

Pros:

– Great looking. Seriously, it’s ridiculous
– Will charm the pants off you
– Young, fun and carefree
– Makes you feel like you’re a super fox
– Takes you to hip places on dates
– Not that it’s important, but usually pays for everything cos’ he da man!

Cons:

– Always busy. As in, he will pre-emptively text you before you even have a chance to see what he’s doing, to tell you he is busy
– Name drops. Restaurant, music, clothes etc. He knew about slice bread before anyone else did
– Likes to have a lot of good looking people around him. They travel in packs and scares the beejesus out of us mere mortals
– And not that there is anything really wrong with this, but heavily into social media and making the rest of the world aware of how cool they are
– Self centered. It’s kind of always about them. And you just sit there nodding, trying really hard to be interested while you slowly digging your fingernails into your face because you are so bored
– Says he doesn’t want anything serious, but you know deep down he’s shopping around for someone just as shiny as he is…

Margie’s tip: Hey Margie, look at me…you’re done with this kind of guy. Kapish?  It’s all good fun when you’re in your early 20’s, but now I think it’s time to find a man, not a boy. He was a lovely guy and you had a lot of fun with him but you need to admit to yourself that you were probably just swept away with how cute he was. Maybe it’s because you thought he was better looking than you or cooler than you. It’s fine. We all get swept away in the waves irrational thoughts sometimes. Just make sure you don’t drown. If he’s too busy for you then that’s fine. You’re too busy for him. What are you, some kind of psychic who can anticipate when he will contact you to hang out? You can’t be perpetually free for this guy and be at his beck and call. How weak are you to let this person keep you in a state of confusion and self-doubt? Furthermore, how little does he think of you knowing that you will be around at the click of his fingers. Look, it’s probably a really different story from his part. You don’t know him well enough to know what’s going on in his head. You know he’s having a ball according to his social media, but people don’t post the boring stuff so yeah, who the hell knows? But you should know yourself well enough to realise that you don’t deserve to be in this weird limbo. Thank you for the fun, the laughs, and taking me back to my early days of raves and jager-bombs, but I need a guy who will make plans with me days/weeks in advance. Because even if we’ve been hanging out all day, everyday for the last 4 months, he knows that in 2 weeks time, he’ll be so excited to hang out with me again that he will lock it in then and there. When a guy is into you, he’ll be jumping out of his skin to see you. Now and in the future.

6. The lovable goofy guy that lives too far away

(e.g. Dave Sanderson – Parks and Recreation)

The guy that seems to have it all except that you have to drive 4 hours to hangout with him…

Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros

– Incredibly sweet
– Makes you laugh
– Send you funny texts
– Like the Foo Fighters and admits that that’s kind of lame
– Did not judge you for ordering a milk shake AND and a Hot Fudge Sunday on your first date

Cons

– Lives in the middle of nowhere (well, rural Victoria, but  you know, still ages away)
– Hates the city

Margie’s tip: This one is tricky. The commute is long and you will probably get tired and frustrated with the distance. But don’t write-off the whole thing. Is constantly in contact via phone. And you know that random texts he sends you is just a way to get in touch because he’s interested. Things change. Who knows what will happen? If he ticks all the boxes for you and vice versa, maybe it could work out.

7. The absolute Asshole

(e.g. Dennis Duffy – 30 Rock)

The creme dela creme of guy you should absolutely stay away from…
Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros:

– None

Con:

-Everything

Margie’s tips: The warning signs are immediately there. You ignore it because you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt, but darling, you knew this guy was a douche from the beginning. He’s arrogant, mean and makes you feel like shit. He has no qualms in telling you about all your flaws and then makes it out like he’s doing you a favour by doing so. Get the hell out. There’s no happy ending with this one.

8. The guy you made up in your head

(e.g. Astronaut Mike Dexter – 30 Rock)

The guy with the musical abilities of Jeff Buckley, the looks of a young Marlon Brando, as debonair as Cary Grant and has the wit and sense of humour of Louis C.K…and he’s not real…

Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros:

– He has the same taste as you with everything
– He loves that you’re independent
– He challenges you without being overbearing
– All he wants to do is hang out with you because in his eyes, you are the most magnificent thing that ever walked the planet

Cons:

– He lives in your imagination

Margie’s tips: It’s good to have standards, but when you’re waiting and pining for something incredibly unattainable, that’s just whack. Stop living in your imagination where the guys will read you poetry from Keats and will thrown down their cloak on top of a puddle for you to walk on so your delicate shoes won’t get dirty. Start living in the real world. If a guy is nice to you, respects you as a person, makes you laugh and gets your Star Wars and Doctor Who references, he’s a keeper. Even that’s asking for too much…

9.  The casual hook-up guy

(e.g. Jeremy – The Mindy Project)

The smooth talker with an extraordinary collection of scented candles and mood music. And you two have a special arrangement…

Margie’s encounter with this sort of bloke

Pros:

– Charming
– Makes you feel like you’re the hottest thing in the world
– Big on compliments
– Says all the right things
– You’ve never seen him with a top on

Cons:

– Only willing to see you at night
– Has a weird thing about not being able to share a bed with anyone
– Keeps you a secret
–  You’ve never seen him with a top on

Margie’s tips: If the only time you see this guy is between the hours of 10:30pm-4am, let’s face it, there is no future with him. At the time, it’s exciting and thrilling I guess, but it’s not sustainable. Those movies where the hook-up eventually becomes the love of your life, well that’s Hollywood. It’s human nature to feel like you are falling for that person when you are intimate with them. In most cases, it’s one sided, and in the end, you just have admit that you are not the exception to the rule. The final scene is not you standing in the rain while he confesses his love for you and tells you you’re the one. It’s you climbing out of a window or tip-toeing bare foot out the front door, holding your shoes in your hands because you don’t want to wake up his house mates. And I can assure you he doesn’t respect you if all it takes is a “come over” text and you magically appear, as if by some promiscuous wizard magic. Maybe in the beginning he’s intrigued and can’t get enough of you. But the respect that you deserve also goes out the window that you are climbing out of. End it. You’ll eventually find a guy who will ask you to sleep over and order a pizza with you and make you cereal in the morning. Your hook-up dude will understand. After all, he has a Tinder profile and an OK Cupid profile. He’ll bounce back.

10. The Right Guy

(e.g. Ben Wyatt – Parks and Recreation)

The one. The guy that liked it, so he put a ring on it. Or, has invested the time and the effort with the future plans of putting a ring on it.

Margie’s encounter with this bloke

-Still to come

Margie’s tips: Be patient, you nerd. And stop going out with 90% of the guys listed above. Geez. He’ll find you. Or you’ll find him. Either way, you’ll find in each other.

XOXO
M

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