Dating: Wins, Fails and OMGWTF’s

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Captain’s Log – 1/12/2013

The arduous search for a perfect mate is bleak and challenging. There seems to be a lack of suitable males in the galaxy. The flesh is willing but the mental exhaustion is taking its toll. I mean, how many dates do I have to go on. Geez…

Sorry. Star Trek: The Next Generation is on in the background and it’s 5:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep.

SO! It has been an interesting couple of months in my world…

As embarrassing as this is to admit, I have never really dated. The last relationship I was in suddenly bloomed out of a friendship and fizzled out just as quickly. So I haven’t really had the experience of what it’s like to go on dates which seems to be kind of problematic because I seem to know really know what the hell I’m doing…

I mean, dating as a type of passage into adulthood is sort of ingrained in our culture? Isn’t it? Everyone seems to have some kind of bad/funny/humiliating date story. It’s part of being an adult. I love talking to my friends about their bad dates and thinking, “Whaaaaat? He said he forgot his wallet? And borrowed money from you for a train ticket to get home?” OR “You mean he said you smelled like Old Spice? What the hell!?”

Ok, so the Old Spice story happened to me. This guy said I smelled like Old Spice and that it was like he was sitting next to an elderly man. Fuck you, dude. It was Tommy Girl. I smelled like a flowery summer meadow, you absolute douchebag…

Oh so many stories. So many of which are actually really funny. So far, nothing too horrible. Although, I have to admit, I do this this really awful thing when I’m on a first date. I think to myself, “hmmm, are you going to end up being a horrible memory I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life?” You know what I mean? I think everyone has at least one awful dating/relationship story that they have, and re-tell over and over again, because it was:

a. really horrible
b. really humiliating
c. funny… in a bad way
d. all of the above.

The stories I’ve heard so far haven’t been that bad. It’s usually just guys/gals who have bad attitudes or complete narcissists. I haven’t heard anything like, “Oh yeah, this one guy, we were like dating for 3 weeks right…but then he stole all my shit and set my house on fire. He was cute, but you know, the trying to set me on fire part was a deal breaker…”

So I guess you can say I’m am totally new to this whole dating thing. And well, I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s just a lot of guessing isn’t it? I mean, this whole dating game is sort of well, fucking shit. And that’s exactly what it is! It’s a stupid game!
First dates for example. They’re dumb. You schedule a thing. Then you go to the place. You dress up and put on makeup and you are just sweating during the primping part because it’s like, “Crap! Am I too dressy? Is this not dressy enough? Am I wearing too much makeup? Argh! What am I going to do with my hair!” Then you sit at the place across from them with a dumb smile, still sweating like a pig. “Shit, did I wear deodorant? Yes. Yes I think did…”
And then it’s the whole, “So, tell me about your job…oh you’re a space engineer…and you have your own house…oh and you’re part of the royal family…oh and you built an orphanage in Sudan using some sticks and mud with your bare hands…me?…oh I live with my parents…”

And that’s a good date! The shit dates usually go like this…

“Oh, you don’t believe in splitting the bill? Because you’re against capitalism…ok…I can get this one then…you what? You want me to help you move house tomorrow? Ummm…I guess…”

And even if, IF the first date goes well, there’s the pressure of the second date. If both parties had a good time and decide to see each other again, who makes the first move? Who calls who? Some friends told me that there is three day rule where you have to wait at least three days to text/call and schedule another day. Three days so you don’t appear too eager. See, I didn’t know about this. So if the date goes, right afterwards I’m usually like, “what are you doing next week? I know this really cool place that have a buffet! Wear stretchy pants!” I didn’t bloody know I had to wait! That makes totally sense now why some don’t call back. It’s because I scared them by being too eager! Or maybe it’s because of my deep, albeit insane love for buffets…

So, if you haven’t completely made a fool of yourself and end up on a second date, it’s usually less stressful. But then there’s this rule that I hear where it’s like, do you kiss at the end? If you don’t then that means you’re not really into them. Oh boy. So many rules. I can’t keep up.

In saying that, dating is fun. It’s exciting and new and you get that cool butterfly stomach thingy. These days the only time I feel the butterfly stomach thingy is when I walk past a Ben and Jerry’s and they have a new flavor…

Dating can be nerve-racking, but I think I just have to not get so anxious and stressed about it. A friend recently told me that if I’m going to approach it in my usual ‘Margie Drama Queen, I need to find a husband and by a house and have kids before my eggs dry up’ approach, then it will surely suck.

I think I just need to enjoy it and have fun. I’m young-ish. There is no rush. I have to make up for lost time I guess and grow up and accept the fact that dating is a necessity and just to go with the flow.

I guess the bad dates aren’t THAT bad. Even when they tell me I smell like old spice. What an asshole.

Part 2 coming soon!

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