Question and answer portion exposed!

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Ahhh The Miss Universe Pageant.

A group of stunning bitches ladies walking around in circles with giant blinding smiles. That, in my opinion, about sums it up. I guess everyone has a different perception of this event. I Some would say it’s archaic and misogynistic. Other would say it’s liberating and all about empowering women. But lets face it, people who say the latter are usually women who are just as hot as the contestants, or men who like looking at beautiful bronzed boobs physiques.

Well, all I can say is that most of the time, being a common female who lack certain toned and enhanced attributes, it brings out all of my insecurties and makes me want to eat a wheel of cheese. But, like most of you, I cannot look away. The hair, the make-up, the clothes and lack-there-of! It’s like watching a bunch of really tall and really shiny amazons with a twinkle in their eyes, as if to say, “Yup. I AM the shit! See these boobs, natural. I swear to you! I grew them myself!” The jig is up Miss Brazil! The fact that they do not bounce is a dead give-away that you got some help from Dr. Mendez, plastic surgeon to the stars…


I promise I have a point! And no, this isn’t a blog-slam againts these gorgeous ladies or the pageant itself (contrary to all the facetious and disdainful things I have already mentioned!). I look forward to this time every year. I especially look forward to the question and answer portion 🙂

Ooooohhh I love it! I love the celebrity question-asker (actually, it’s usually a has-been like Screech from Saved By The Bell), the interpreters and the cheesey hosts with their stupid banter. It’s just so intriguing to watch. The nice part of my psyche wants the contestant to answer the question articulately, with grace and intellegence. But the devious side of me also hopes for some bat-shit-crazy answers!

But I got to thinking, are these glamazons answering the questions honestly, or are they just lying through their beautiful, whitened teeth to garner some kind of, “I’m beautiful, smart AND profound” status?

And furthermore,

How would I answer the questions?

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

What a beauty pageant contestant would answer:

I would not change anything about myself because I am beautiful inside and out.

What Margie would answer:

I would really like to get rid of my back fat. Also, I would like to get rid of my thigh jiggling problem. See how they jiggle *demonstrate thigh jiggle to judge and audience*

If the person that you love asked you to change your religion, would you do it?

What a beauty pageant contestant would answer:

No. Because I have a strong faith and follow my own principles. If they really loved me, they would also love my God.

What Margie would answer:

That’s a great question, Todd. Is your name Todd? Nope? Look Todd, I’ve come to a stage in my life where I would give this guy my spleen if he asked to borrow it…

Question: If you could be any woman from History, who would you be?

What a beauty pageant contestant would answer:

I love who I am inside and out (how funny is it that they mension the “inside” part! It’s like, they could be secret racist or a Vin Diesel fan on the inside but we would never know because we’re too mesmerised by how perfectly proportioned they are). But if I could be any female it would be Cleopatra because she is a strong, independent leader.

What Margie would answer:

Simple. Any woman who can fit into jeans without having to unbutton after eating some cheese…

If you win the Miss Universe competition, how will you use your new found status?

What a beauty pageant contestant would answer:

I will feed the poor and cure the sick! World peace! Girl power!

What Margie would answer:

Well first I would buy a cheese farm. Is that a thing? A cheese farm? Then I would invest the money in my very own musical called “Cheese, Glorious Cheese”. I like cheese.

Pfft, I think I have a chance…


Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) from 30 Rock

  • Nate


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