You sort of can’t fuck with The Beatles. You just shouldn’t go there ever. I feel like I completely besmirched the legacy that is The Beatles by poorly covering this song. But nonetheless, this song is so fitting right now…
To make a “long, sad and perhaps not-even-worth-mentioning” story short, I’ve been extremely demented lately. To paint a picture for you, my daily mantra was “meh”. Seriously.
My supply of “effort” seemed to be diminishing. I was walking around, desperately trying to act normal, but I think people realised that I was (metaphorically speaking) checking out. I stopped giving a shit about a lot of things because they became too hard or too much.
Giving a shit became an incredibly difficult task of daily pep-talks to myself in front of a mirror. “You can do this, whatever it is that you have to fucking do. Just relax and do it.” Meanwhile, my negative self was screaming “Noooo, positive Margie, you stupid lying bitch! You don’t know what it’s like! You disappear when shit gets annoying or tough! And then I have to deal with it! So stop telling me it’s gonna be fine! And stop telling me to exercise! You also disappear when I’m having an asthma attack after jogging 10 metres…”
Lately, I’ve been seesawing back and forth between the spectrum which I like to call the “crazy meter”. 1 being almost dead, and 10 is pretty much encompassing all the ‘feels’ in the entire universe. Whether that is ‘good feels’ or ‘bad feels’…it’s just an excess of feels.
On a normal day, I usually teeter around the 4-7 range, which I like to call the “socially-acceptable-and-adorable-zone”. But lately, I’m like, a 1-2 or a 9-10. I have called these zones the “Danger Zone” for several reasons:
1. I love Kenny Loggins. Danger Zone is such a good song!
2. I was “no-holds-barring” my way through shit. As in, anything and everything crazy, mean and nasty could come out of my mouth and I just didn’t give a crap. I was spraying my surroundings with “verbal napalm” and it was not pretty. Or, alternatively, I was extra happy or excited about things that weren’t actually that great. I guess looking back, that was just probably me fabricating some ‘good feels’ to offset the ‘bad feels’ or ‘no feels’, when in fact, it was probably nothing. Like, if I ordered a hot chocolate and I got a free marshmallow with it, it was like, life is worth living again! I was picking up scraps of happiness like a hungry, unhappy, feelings-hobo*
A person devoid of having and recieving any good feelings
I really need a win today. I feel like such a feelings-hobo…
So funk phase over. I think I was just so bombarded and overwhelmed with life that anything was just too much effort. All I know now is that, if you don’t have the capability and the capacity to control a bad situation, then control yo-self. Don’t fight if it’s not necessary. But by all means, don’t take it lying down either. Pick and choose your battles. Make the effort. But sometimes, you just have to nod, smile, and let it be…